PhilosEros

Eros here,

phi, bagay sa friendster mo...

Post from Philos

As of the moment, Eros is having one of his paranoia attacks. And this time he is fretting about my friendster account and the fact that I have a shout out that refers to one of my exs which says

"Justice has been served... May all the culprits get the proper treatment that they deserve."

It was posted 2 weeks ago.

also I have this album in my friendster that has the pictures of all of my exs. Its sort of a catalog of all my past exs. I placed it there as a reminder that this people are the ones who either left me, took me for granted or cheated on me. Its just a reminder and album of past memories and experiences, nothing more, nothing less. One thing about me is that I do forgive and let go and move on but I do not forget. I never do. It is because of who and what I am. My past has molded me to who I am now and also keeps me from committing the same mistakes of my past.

Eros is fretting that I am not proud of him. That my ex.s are more important to me because they have more place in my friendster than him. I find that so ridiculous. First of all, I gave all my access to Eros, in my friendster, g4m and whatever online account I have. Secondly I applied to his company so that we can be together. My first week of training was a torture. I was sick, as in really sick but I forced myself to go to work every single day specially in the summit of my fever just to avoid being terminated since I am still a trainee so that I can be with him in the same company. however, he had to go and concern himself with unnecessary things, with ghosts and goblins that does not exist.

While doing this entry we are having an argument. I wont win over someone whose case is out of a "ghost story".

I feel, know and I am sure in my innermost soul that I do love him, that I am proud that he is my partner. I am and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just dont understand why he cant seem to see or feel that.

his hard headed. I tried to explain everything but its really hard to explain to someone who is resolved on his ideas and presumptions, specially his paranoia.









i AM hurting big time right now. Super!


- Philos

Just an update!

Sorry mejo matagal na kami di nakakapost dito... this has been a very busy week for us.

Grabe, this week has been a great blessing for us. Natuloy ng magwork si "Phi" sa office ko. Parehas pa ng floor ang room niya at table ko. Sabay na kami mag break kahit na-uuna palagi shift nya sa work. At least now we really have time to spend with each other. May sakit siya now and mejo weak siya these past few days kaya tama lang din ng naalagaan ko siya. Mejo stressful na rin work ko compared as to before pero ok lang inspired naman ako magwork kasi kasama ko si "phi" sa kabilang room. Minsan patakas kami nagsmack kami pag walang tao. I so love him. I hope this relationship would continue developing.

:)

We had a light argument the other day. We planned of meeting up the next night (last night). We decided to meet 8:00 PM somewhere in QC. It was an awkward moment for me since I've not fully removed the things we fought about the night before. I was irritable at first. He was hungry at that time so we went to a local fast food chain. We were silent for a long time. I decided to bring to some place else where we can talk. We were able to communicate and patch things up. We ended our date in harmonious and romantic way. On my way home, while listening to my mp3's, i heard this song which made me remember and reflect on what just had happened. Di ko talaga kaya siya kayang tiisin dahil mahal na mahal ko siya. Ganun pala talaga. If you really love each other, you can't stand being mad with your partner.

* * *

My ideas about love spans 10 years of memories, experiences, pains, joys, heartaches and realizations.

Now let me point it out here, the notion or idea of love is somewhat a little bit detached from the dynamics of a relationship or a commitment. I will discuss the dynamics of a relationship at a later entry. However some parts of the dynamics of a relationship may be mentioned or briefly discussed here.

For me true love has three parts namely:

feeling, choice and endurance/persistence



Feeling
I don't agree that love can be learned. Well, not in my universe and thinking that is. It is even scientifically proven that a certain amount of attraction is necessary between two people to make something meaningful out of themselves and bond really well and for it to be sustained. That is not to say that people who have strong feelings together are assured of having a lasting commitment. But I do think that it is essential that two people are mutually attracted with each other in many levels. physically, intellectually, sexually and socially. Otherwise, I think if one or both are lacking the feeling of attraction, then they are simply "trying". The relationship may last but I sure think people who are simply trying since they don't have the attraction, will only make the relationship boring and eventually fall apart.

This is not to say also that the attraction or the feeling is necessarily that kind, which is powerful; that sort which have been described as "time literally stopped" or that "I had butterflies in my tummy" and "sleepless night and days without food". Though such feelings may be great, learn that eventually such a powerful feeling or attraction often is not the kind of feeling that one feels towards the person we chose to commit ourselves for the entirety of our lifetime. True love has that subtle feeling. A feeling that is not overwhelming but is there inside you, thumping in your chest and whispering in your mind "his/shes the one". You are attracted to the person even though he/she is not the most beautiful person there is. You are attracted to him/her amidst the fact that he/she doesn't have a model-like looks and physique nor has the brains of a genius. And though you are not "madly in love" with the person, he is someone you just cant stop thinking about. Not necessarily all the time, but most of the time, specially in certain instances in which, he or she will just pop out in your head and will give you a small smile.





Choice
True love is not a matter of simply feeling or being in love, nor is it driven by emotion. True love proceeds from a conscious decision making. Strong feelings and attractions eventually fade away. Some feelings even come and go; one moment you feel attracted and in love with your partner and in other times you feel repulsed by him/her. This is the primary reason why a commitment or a serious relationship should not be driven by mere emotions, feelings or attraction and worst it should not be driven by sex. Having to choose someone is not simply being moved because of good looks or being driven due to an overwhelmingly satisfying sex nor is it due to a great intellectual fascination. A conscious choice to love someone is a meeting of the heart and the mind, and that after some deliberation, one sees that there is something more than just looks, sex or a genius why you choose to love and commit one's self to someone.

Before the conscious choice or decision to get committed to someone or even in just about anything, analysis is first made. One considers the pros and cons of the options to take. True love and a lasting relationship comes from the choice of being with someone, amidst that person's imperfections, weakness, negative traits and lacks. True love is a choice or driving desire to be with someone who is not overwhelmingly physically attractive nor sexually satisfying all the time and yet you still wish to be with the person.

In the initials of a relationship, having barely any experience and knowledge of who and what the other person is and you still decide to tie the knot with the person, not simply of several reasons or the shallow knowledge of the personality and behavior of the other but more so because true the commitment you are going to make with that person, you want to discover further the other person; you want to find and discover more reasons to be with him/her.

A conscious choice to be with someone is the matured way of starting a commitment with. A conscious choice is actually the matured way of handling many areas and situations of one's life.



Endurance/Persistence
True love persist and endures amidst obstacles, problems, trials and tragedies. Again a relationship will not endure if it did not come from a conscious decision in the beginning. It will easily breakdown in the face of adversity. A relationship who has been consciously made but initially lacked the feeling, may it stand for years, will eventually be shattered from within.

Endurance is that hopeful and courageous spirit that does not give up and fights a good fight. This is not to say that such is the way of the hopeful fool who by every turn is already defeated, broken and has no other option left, remains defiant and wants to continue with a commitment that is no longer in existence. One has to be discerning of when to fight for it, and when to give up and just let go. Remember a relationship is a commitment of two people combined. When one of the persons pulls out and breaches the contract and is totally resolves in that choice to fall out of the relationship then its already futile to keep anything. Besides a romantic relationship is the interaction and dynamic of two people in constant agreement to be with each other.

I want to also point out endurance and persistence with forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of the great faculties of love. The capacity to forgive someone who betrayed you is a great act of love and only through constant forgiveness can a relationship endure. Of course the people involve in the relationship are prone to mistakes, weaknesses and fall-outs and if one or both doesn't have that kind of understanding and forgiving heart, then the relationship is prone to shatter at the slightest instance of a mistake. Perfectionists and idealists towards their partners are people who do not deserve to be in a relationship as they are prone to just hurt themselves and hurt others.

Love is not simply about romance, steamy and passionate sex, dinners, flowers or cuddling and kissing. True love is determined by time and the obstacles surpassed. Often the greatest obstacle or trial that couples face is the problem of infidelity. when one or both has committed an act of infidelity. It is either a one night stand or an affair with an outside person. To this will I discuss my of HUMAN AGAPE




AGAPE
or a profound feeling of love that is beyond romantic love is the kind of love that has been tested both by time and by so many trials. It is the love that endures amidst pain. It is the love of Christ. It is the love that has mirrored the love of God.

Agape is possible to be experience by lovers when they have outlasted many years and problems specially the problem of infidelity. That amidst everything one or both of them persists in loving each other with a forgiving and accepting heart and mind. Usually such a relationship evolves into a spiritual experience of God's love. The relationship of the two people who has endured tends to be a spiritual relationship that begins to have a profound meaning that transcends eroticism and basic human behavior or traits.

When such endurance and level has been attained, it is the moment of each others lives that both look at each other as Christ (or as God) and each other would love and serve each other as if one is loving and caring for God. I am not referring to Idolatry or fanaticism similar to pop star fans or to fanatical members of a religious sect. I am referring to the kind of love that Christ mentioned, "love one another as I have loved you". It is such a profound relationship if two people would love each other in a way that Jesus Christ loved humanity. Christ love is not a blind love if that's what you are thinking. True love will persist and endure. IT will sacrifice even to the most dreadful tortures or most painful paths but it is not a stupid love. Love remains as a social contract, a dynamic or interaction of two people. Therefore, its not love to allow yourself to be abused by an unloving partner simply because you cannot live without your partner.

Yes Christ died for he loved humanity, however his death for the forgiveness of sins is not without conditions. Yes, God will forgive and accept a sinner, he even died to save sinners, but he will only accept and forgive someone who sincerely asks for forgiveness, repents, accepts God's act of love and resolves to change his ways to be a better person. That is the same as with Human love and with the experience of Agape. two lovers will endure if the element of forgiveness and sacrifice is in the relationship and if both are resolved to keep the covenant they made with each other. They will last if upon a certain time, one of them sins and the other forgives and accepts while the one who sinned does everything in his/her power to repent and reform.



SUMMERY

IN summery, true love is a dynamic relationship made from attraction(feelings), conscious and responsible choices and endurance of two people who will be tested by time and circumstance, from which both grows and evolves, eventually attaining the kind of love that is profoundly divine and spiritually compassionate.

Our story is a story that waits to be further written. But for our prologue we started out back, I think when I was in second year college, second semester, which was in 2004, if I am not mistaken. It was a casual fuck. We chatted and he agreed to go to may place in Antipolo. He agreed to come even if it was already 1:00 Am and he was from Marikina. My mom and brothers were already sleeping in there room so I was able to snick him in my room. The funny thing is when we we're in the middle of the "thing" my mom woke up and knocked in my room. Eros and I panicked and I hid him in my cabinet. Luckily my mom did not enter my room and I just shouted that I was doing my night prayers before sleeping (bad bad boy). So we finished the deed. He went home. We texted still for a couple of months but I felt that he was not that into me or that i felt he was with someone at that time, so finally, we lost communication for some time. For a very long time. I met other people. I had a partner, "special". we call ourselves special as a term of endearment. Special and I were together for 1 year and 8 months, and finally broke up. Eros and I met again when I was in 4th year college, December of 2006. We decided to have a relationship back then, which I think was reckless and immature thinking of it in "now's" perspective. We decided to commit but thinking back then, we were both not serious at that time because after a week we broke up for a stupid and shallow reason. We lost contact again but bumped with each other in Libis, in Blue Onion Bar. I saw him with his handsome bf that time. I was single and with my schoolmates partying for the end of the year and the nearing graduation.Since then we haven't contacted each other. I saw him several times in the chat rooms and in a social networking site for the "3rd kind", for "people-like-us" but I never really messaged him because somehow in my gut I knew he wouldn't talk to me again nor even consider another chance with me. SO I just left him in peace. I met other people and got my heart broken several times over. Then Finally one day he replied to one of my threads in the forum of the social networking site we are both members of. From there on we talked, exchanged numbers. met each other again and finally we decided to close the deal, to the tie the knot.

I cant explain how happy and contented I am right now. I guess the saying or song is true, "we had a right love at the wrong time" SO this means that at this moment of time, in our lives,we have the right love at the right time and also the song goes "somewhere down the road.." yes Eros and I met again down the roads of our lives. I really hope and pray that this time it is for keeps already. Challenges will come. Thats for sure. A commitment takes a lot of work and endurance to keep it and stay faithful to it specially with the kind of environment and lifestyle that people like us live in, but I believe that things can be achieved specially with two people who have agreed to keep it and work for it no matter what. Cant wait to write further the story of our lives.

To philos,