Life is fairly stable right now. Kahit na parang nagbabadya ang hindi magandang mga signos, hopely, by God’s grace, wala lang ang mga yun and magpapatuloy ng paunti unting pag ganda ng buhay. Sabi nga ng isang ka-church ko, parang unmoving pendulum lang yan, pag walang lovelife, or if ang lovelife ay stagnant, steady lang ang pendulum, no extreme movement towards extreme happiness and no movement towards extreme sadness. So parang ganun ang status ko ngayon not just sa lovelife pero sa pangkalahatan. Yun nga lang medyo natabig ng tatay ko kelan lang kaya medyo gumagalaw ngayon towards bad things. Pero sabi ko nga, harinawa konti lang ang pagtabig at by God’s grace it will be stable again or slowly moving towards the positive.
Work
My time na nastress at napagod ako na parang gusto kong umalis na naman sa company ko. Pero lumipas nay un. Isa pa pinangako ko sa sarili ko na this time around I will stick around with my current company. So far Masaya naman ako sa work. I’m not totally enjoying but I am no lionger stressed. Chill lang. tama lang. carry lang.
I’m loving my current sched which is Sunday to Thursday. It feels as if I am only working only for 4 days. Halos walang work pag Sunday. Petiks man!
Gay Church
The downside with my current sched at work is I am not able to attend my alternative church on Sundays. And since we are having a small family problem at home, I need to go home on my Off days, kaya hindi rin ako makaatend ng mga Bible study.
Lovelife
Oo na martyr na ako. Ipagtayo nyo na ako ng rebulto at bantayog sa Vatican, Israel o kung saan saan pa. After everything that happened we are still together, living under the same roof.
Actually I was already planning to move out either this August or September though I was not sure about it. I felt as if wala na kasi nangyayari sa relasyun naming. I mean yes, we are okay only sa ibabaw, pero the relationship in itself is parang dead na because of what we have been doing separately. Magkatabi kami sa kama, nagkwekwentuhan, tawanana at minsan lumalabas din but its no longer the same as what we had before. Iba na talaga after infidelity. And I had to be the one to make the adjustments. Ako yung kinailangan lumunok ng lahat ng pasakit; kinailangan manahimik at ipagsawalang bahala ang lahat para lang maging okay ang pagsasaman naming sa bahay even though talagang wala naming nagging resolution o closure sa nagawa nyang kasalanan. So I was thinking of leaving na though I was not sure cause I do love him.
Well, nung finally dumating yung chempo na nagkausap about it. Aba akalain mo, nagalit at nagtampo kasi he is expecting na walang iwanan daw
“Akala ko ba walang iwanan. I was expecting to spend my lifetime with you…”
Yan ang isa sa mga linya nya. Well syempre kahit papano natuwa naman ang lolo mo sa dialogue nya. At that moment nafeel ko that he needed me and that he does love me.
Well, my usapan na kami na ayusin lahat by September. I will give a demand letter nga eh.
Well, lets see what happens. I am still observing as to how will things turn out.
Mahal ko sya, but at a certain point pag talagang wala ng pinatutunguhan ang relasyun and pa gang future ko eh hindi magiging maayus at maganda with some, at that point that ng humiwalay.
Pero naman, some of my friends who knows what I had to deal with for the past 8 months specially from January 2010 to April 2010, would say and some of them had already said, “dapat noon pa hiniwalayan mo na.”
Oh well, love is love. Isa pa mahirap kumalas pag magkasama kayo sa bahay. And also the fact na talagang mahal ko. Minsan nga natutulog yun, I do look at him and I just feel a certain cheer in my chest. Nawawala o nakakalumitan ko lahat ng nangyari and I just smile whenever I stare at him when he sleeps.
Hay naku bahala na.
Till next time.
LOVE CONSUMES ME.
LOVE OVERPOWERED MY PAIN.
LOVE BURIED MY STANDARDS.
LOVE IS MAKING A MARTYR OF ME.
On top of metal peaks I look out
Into the blank clear sky blotted with
Seminal ink floating fluidly
Like words dancing in papyri skin
Telling ancient verses, of tragedies
Of a long forgotten past.
There before me is a wide canvas
Of blue hue containing many “you”s
Which were painted by the hand of
My Soul,
But were no more.
I look out in from this metallic tower
Of glass and pipes, looking over the
Manila Skyline of littered of smog;
Pollutants that clogs my chest w/
The memories of “you”s and “we”s
That faded in the blowing of the
South Chinese wind over
The metro where the “you”s are
All scattered along w/ the
Thousand and 1 pieces of my soul.
Here in this skyline of Buendia
And Zobel de Ayala, I seat like a
Monk, alone and in silence
Looking out to God,
In the blue hue of “you”s
Pouring out my empty shell
Of scattered dreams
And loves.
I FEEL we are dead...
yes, magkasama pa kami sa bahay pero parang patay na ang relasyun namin.
parang naglolokohan na lang kami...
niloloko ko na lang ang sarili ko...
oo magkatabi pa rin kami sa kama, pero randam ko iba ang talaga
ng kayakap nya
ang kahalikan nya
ang kayapusan nya.
Sabi nya mahal nya ako...
pero hindi ko na nararamdaman ito. kahit ilang beses nyang ulitin... ramdam ko sinasabi nya na lang iyon para lang sabihin. Para lang marinig ko, para lang hindi kami mag-away o ako ay malungkot.
Pero in truth wala na talaga syang pagmamahal sa akin. Sabagay matagal naman na.
Alam ko yun.Aware ako dun.
aware ako dun.
Matagal ng patay ang anu mang meron kami.
Ako lang ang patuloy na humahawak at umaasang buhay pa ito.
alam ko patay na ang aming sumpaan
ang tanong lang ay kelan ko ba ito ililibing.
A Film i was part of back in college. I was the writer and director of the film.
part 1
part 2
It has been almost a year since Eros and I decided to settle down and we are in the most difficult stage of our relationship.
Mahirap, masakit and mabigat ang sitwasyun namin because of what happened since Mid January up to now. Actually I think it all started back in December.
Ilang beses na rin ako nakipagbreak sa kanya but eventualy, konting yakap at konting sorry lang nya sa akin bumibigay na ako kagad, hoping that his "sorry" will translate to actual and effectual change, which is sincere and true; to my disapointment of course. Pero kahit gaano kahirap at kasakit, eto pa rin ako, still holding on.
Alam ko, yung passion and love nya sa akin ay halos wala na. Reading back at the previous blog entries here, I can feel and see that he was so inlove with me the first 6 to 8 months of our relationship. However, that is no longer the case. He has grown cold, unaffectionate, distant, stone and irritable even when it was all his fault.
Of course there are things I cannot dicuss here. But if only people knew exactly what happened, pwede na ako icanonize bilang martyr. But ayus lang, mahal ko sya.
ITS TRUE THE HARDEST PART OF LOVING SOMEONE IS KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO AND WHEN TO SAY GOODBYE... ITS THE HARDEST PART BECAUSE your heart and soul doesnt want to let go.
I just hope and pray that we survive this.
Im speaking from the depths of my soul when I say I love him so much, with every fiber of my being, with every bloog in my veins, with every tears in my eyes and with whatever spirit left in my soul. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND THERES NO ONE ELSE I WANT TO BE WITH IN LIFE BUT HIM.
Truly I miss him. I miss the old him. I would rather have back the old Eros who is seloso, paranoid, over protective and gusto nya magkasama kami oras oras kesa yung Eros that he has become; that he transformed into.
I truly miss him... i miss him very much...
Hindi ko na alam what more I can say and do to express what I am currently feeling.
May God guide and bless us both. It will take a miracle, God's loving hands to save our relationship, OUR COMMITMENT.
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