PhilosEros

Life is fairly stable right now. Kahit na parang nagbabadya ang hindi magandang mga signos, hopely, by God’s grace, wala lang ang mga yun and magpapatuloy ng paunti unting pag ganda ng buhay. Sabi nga ng isang ka-church ko, parang unmoving pendulum lang yan, pag walang lovelife, or if ang lovelife ay stagnant, steady lang ang pendulum, no extreme movement towards extreme happiness and no movement towards extreme sadness. So parang ganun ang status ko ngayon not just sa lovelife pero sa pangkalahatan. Yun nga lang medyo natabig ng tatay ko kelan lang kaya medyo gumagalaw ngayon towards bad things. Pero sabi ko nga, harinawa konti lang ang pagtabig at by God’s grace it will be stable again or slowly moving towards the positive.




Work



My time na nastress at napagod ako na parang gusto kong umalis na naman sa company ko. Pero lumipas nay un. Isa pa pinangako ko sa sarili ko na this time around I will stick around with my current company. So far Masaya naman ako sa work. I’m not totally enjoying but I am no lionger stressed. Chill lang. tama lang. carry lang.



I’m loving my current sched which is Sunday to Thursday. It feels as if I am only working only for 4 days. Halos walang work pag Sunday. Petiks man!



Gay Church

The downside with my current sched at work is I am not able to attend my alternative church on Sundays. And since we are having a small family problem at home, I need to go home on my Off days, kaya hindi rin ako makaatend ng mga Bible study.



Lovelife

Oo na martyr na ako. Ipagtayo nyo na ako ng rebulto at bantayog sa Vatican, Israel o kung saan saan pa. After everything that happened we are still together, living under the same roof.



Actually I was already planning to move out either this August or September though I was not sure about it. I felt as if wala na kasi nangyayari sa relasyun naming. I mean yes, we are okay only sa ibabaw, pero the relationship in itself is parang dead na because of what we have been doing separately. Magkatabi kami sa kama, nagkwekwentuhan, tawanana at minsan lumalabas din but its no longer the same as what we had before. Iba na talaga after infidelity. And I had to be the one to make the adjustments. Ako yung kinailangan lumunok ng lahat ng pasakit; kinailangan manahimik at ipagsawalang bahala ang lahat para lang maging okay ang pagsasaman naming sa bahay even though talagang wala naming nagging resolution o closure sa nagawa nyang kasalanan. So I was thinking of leaving na though I was not sure cause I do love him.



Well, nung finally dumating yung chempo na nagkausap about it. Aba akalain mo, nagalit at nagtampo kasi he is expecting na walang iwanan daw



“Akala ko ba walang iwanan. I was expecting to spend my lifetime with you…”



Yan ang isa sa mga linya nya. Well syempre kahit papano natuwa naman ang lolo mo sa dialogue nya. At that moment nafeel ko that he needed me and that he does love me.



Well, my usapan na kami na ayusin lahat by September. I will give a demand letter nga eh.



Well, lets see what happens. I am still observing as to how will things turn out.



Mahal ko sya, but at a certain point pag talagang wala ng pinatutunguhan ang relasyun and pa gang future ko eh hindi magiging maayus at maganda with some, at that point that ng humiwalay.



Pero naman, some of my friends who knows what I had to deal with for the past 8 months specially from January 2010 to April 2010, would say and some of them had already said, “dapat noon pa hiniwalayan mo na.”



Oh well, love is love. Isa pa mahirap kumalas pag magkasama kayo sa bahay. And also the fact na talagang mahal ko. Minsan nga natutulog yun, I do look at him and I just feel a certain cheer in my chest. Nawawala o nakakalumitan ko lahat ng nangyari and I just smile whenever I stare at him when he sleeps.



Hay naku bahala na.



Till next time.